You know all those books i don't let you read? ... it's just all these love poems that are about you.

I wore sleeveless dresses, even with the scars on my wrist.

When these things happen, I need to remember to not pay attention to the scars. I am so self-conscious. Stop it. Someone let me. Stop. Breathe Breath Breathing. I am more than that. I need to write these papers before i even consider what I am considering already.

It's snowing. I see white out my window. The snow is cold and it make my nose cherry red. There are stories tangled in my head. There are letters wrapped around my throat. I will produce something brilliant because I have nothing else left.

My support system is failing. I need you so much yet you are so far away. physical distance as much as communicational distance. I need to just break down. Stop being so narcissistic. Crawl back into your skin and stop destroying it.

Thank you Sonni, for telling him to not pick on my eating. Thank you thank you thankyou

I need coffee.

sometimes i forget what breathing is.
sometimes i forget how to spell things
sometimes i forget verbs.
If i reach my tongue to the back of my mouth, I can feel my stitches.
It's kind of weird.
Did you want something more than just a fuck? You should have been clear.
I take the pills, I swallow the pills, I shudder and move on.
I almost exploded today. How funny is that? Getting teased
for actually doing my work. Where have I heard this one before?
But I nod and smile and when I catch your eye I will tilt my head down
so you won't see that I have been looking. And hide a blush.
Focus. Just pull it all in. I've done this before and I'll do it again. I have over
6000 words to have written by next Wednesday and I am so terrified.
I have yet to experience 'failure' and my concept of it is out of proportion
from what everyone tells me. This is a confusing idea. What did
I claim today? I don't understand the concept of not getting an A.
Honestly? I feel like a failure half the time, and though you have told me
I am beautiful I do not know what this means. Could I be more scared?
I want to cry. Please somebody hold me in their arms and let me cry
because I need this to be over. I wrote yesterday that my bones just
need to be rattled back into place. I don't believe this is true.
I don't know what I believe.



{This is Not an Elegy- Catherine Pierce}
...Some days I watch myself
in the third person, speak to her
in the second. I say: I will
meet you in sleep. I will know you
by your stillness and your shaking.
By your second hand gown.
By your bruises left by mouths
since forgotten. This is not
an elegy because I cannot bear
for it to be. It is only a tree branch
against the window. It is only a cherry
tomato slowly reddening in the garden.
I will put it in my mouth. It will
be sweet, and you will swallow.

Things I am grateful for:

Wireless. Internet.
My BestFriend<3 _SamSpero_
My adopted Family+Sister+Niece _Lena_Ashlyn_Mommy
My other sisters&angels _JoAnn_Sofia_Dawnie_Ashley
That JoAnn met a flute (and a wonderful guy)
the narcotics i currently get to take
horses. my saddle. flight by ride.
Books and my ability to read them
Poetry and my ability to hear it
Painting and my ability to do it
Music.Music_notes_hearing_piano
Art. Needs no explanation.
Massages.
Sex.
Chocolate.
Coffee. +Mocha+Whipped cream+ice
Pencils+pens+crayons
intelligence, the ability to have, recognize and further expand upon
Eyeliner
Eyes.
Smiles
Bubbles
Little children that are not mine. +giggles
Stars.
ponytails.
Hipbones+clavicles
Artsy clothes +scarves
sleep
sleepless nights
Dreams.
coffee shops.
street art.
Understanding the mind.
Boys. _sometimes not_
Dancing.
Scars. _When I forget they exist_
Learning how to not be self destructive_
Peace. above ALL
Puppies
Cuddling _with said puppies_
You and I _ingrid Michaelson_ just because it came on Pandora and I want this!
Rain. _thunderstorms, wind_
Scribbles.

There's just so much more <3 I need to stop playing on the computer when I'm on drugs because I tend to do weird things.

"be the success you're supposed to be"

edit:


I don't know if I know how to.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Please don't be angry at me.

I'm not allowed to mix weed and wine anymore because of how emotional it makes me
and thats the only reason you know that i sliced open my skin again
otherwise no one would have known.
Everything would have been ok if you hadn't found out
and i'm so sorry that i made you angry i'm so sorry

 To Write Love On Her Arms <3

It's a very important day. I have inscribed love on my arms and I will cover anyone elses with love. I wish JoAnn was here so I could love up her arms that match mine. <3

Going to Princeton today. Possibly not going to leave. 

[11-11, 11-12]
Everyday she clasps a band of
leather around her wrist with 
initials inscribed on the inside
[SJS:JMM] keeping a part of
them close to her pulse, her 
life beating away, the life they
had together during the years
of downfall and laughter.
Everyday she secures that
attachment to her skinny weak
wrist. Part of them
is with her as she listens to 
lectures, chugs water, crunched
leaves in the cold air, and
decides to study/party/dance.
But when she makes her decisions
she thinks of you. You keep
her from going crazy. Whether
you know it or not. Everyday.

 "Sam, when I get married, will you be my maid of honor?"
Oh my fucking god yes I'm serious and you can't back out on that now. I accept!"

i love my best friend.

 I woke up, and there was no pain.
No pain in my wrist! for the first time in how long? But I haven't been writing or anything, so we'll see.
I have to go for physical therapy though.
But hopefully please oh please let the second set of injections work 

It was a good and bad weekend. They go hand in hand. I should not have drank as much as I did and I know that
my bestfriend was a slut for halloween apparently, and I have yet to see the pictures, as he said, "Jackie, I can not wait for you to see the pictures. I got hit on by like 10 guys" of course " Sam Spero, you are my favorite person. ever" "You're not too shabby yourself"

hahaha I love us. 

Bite tongue/deep breaths/count to ten/ nod your head


I can't wait to go visit someone at Princeeeeton :]

 Nick told me I'm too busy trying to fix everyone else that I haven't fixed myself yet.
I hate when he's right. 
I really do. 


But I'm officially a clinical psychology major now, and I would just like to announce it to the world. 
Anyways. 

 right now i should be writing about little children and what i am learning from them, but I seriously need something to make me focus. I love peanutbutter. anyways I just finished up some art history and have to progress to developmental psych. I'm think about changing majors to clincal psych so I won't be behind because a double major would kill me and I can't afford it. But I now have a list of people to go talk to, and I now have a list of places I have been and am going to travel to next. Maybe I have a headache because I just drank so much coffee, but thats ok because I need the coffee to get me to dinner. And I plan on staying up late and working and writing and thats all I really want to do right now. i know i shouldn't have taken so many sleeping pills last night and I fell asleep in the middle of pirates 3 with my glasses on and woke up this morning to that background music. How did I manage to drag myself out of bed? Typing hurts so much less than writing so I guess I'm stuck doing this for awhile. I have a lot to catch up on, and if I do decide to switch majors I'm going to do a painting minor because I can't live without my paint. I hope that means my advisor will change because Dr Crawley has such kind eyes. 
I spent the last 3 days with my other third and we needed it. We need each other. We drank coffee and ate chocolate and talktalktalk and I got out that thing that has been driving me absolutely crazy, the thing that is now making me validate my life. I miss have someone so familiar with me to talk with and someone who understands. we are so disordered. In our individual way and together, if we were one person we would be in a mental institution in a heartbeat oh god. One day I will save people like us, but I don't think I'm allowed to if I destroy myself. [first]. I know there is more to life than this. I need to go to Princeton and oh I can't wait to see Nick. Future? I can't let my mother be right about that, but what if it happens. I wish I could open a fortune cookie and let it decide where I need to go because 75%of the time i have no fucking clue what I'm doing. I want my dedication back, I want to reclaim myself. I'm starting and I just need to stop worrying about sex and look at the numbers. Haven't I said this before? If I didn't have J.M. and S.S. i wouldn't know what to do with myself. THe stack of books on my windowsill is growing. I miss you so much, both of you so much, i need both of you so much. I think it's time that i start to write, now that my brain is working. 

 and she said "What is that, how did you do that?"
Oh scars, scars scars, we forget that not everyone
knows of your psychotic nights, mumbling, "they're
just scars, don't worry about it" I didn't know what else to
say I know they're bright red and I know...
What they're from and i know how crazy I was. 
I am. I don't even know myself anymore. 

"the skin of a scar is stronger than the original, less aware of pain."

I hate being psych and I hate knowing everything that could be wrong with everyone and why it is that way, but in the end I don't know and all i do know is that I have scars and that at one time there was a lack of serotonin and norepinephrine, though according to Boyd&Bee depression would hinder academic achievement and therefore, test scores would go down, but why is that the opposite for me? This turns out to be quite funny in the end, but all i need to know is prenatal and neonatal development and the competencies of the infant, such as sensory-perceptual capacities and cognitive development. Oh and Piaget's fun motor stages! Don't i just love it. 

[9.24]
to focus: excellence [her standards]
the act of performing to the absolute best
that she can; an act of perfection; Grade A.
to focus: pinpointing the excellence in everything, no
weakness, no let downs.
to focus: those branches outside the walls 
holding her in, their pattern against the
grey sky. The triangles, trapeziods, irregular 
polygons outlined with an infusion of fading green,
red and gold.
Define Happiness: [referencing Aristotle] the supreme good.
Define happiness: [referencing her] the expansion
of that brain cavity, increasing the understanding
of the world and these cells that make her up.

[10.06]she swears multiple times nomoresex
but how well does that hold up in her mind's court? When
did this become ok?
the pain in her wrist is returning except with numbness in the 
other side, the other fingers. If complications
were flowers there's a whole bouquet sitting right in front
of her, and if wishes were her city lights there
might be just enough in that cold dark sky.

 Diagnosis, 5 days later: carpal tunnel. 
treatment: cortizone steroid injection. Amazing hand numbness with a side affect of stiffness. 
And in 4 weeks, if the pain is still there:
Diagnosis- partially torn ligament. ohgodwhatamisaying?
treatment: I have no idea? more pain medication that I can't take?
Friday was the first day in 3-4 months that I've been able to 1) wake up and move my wrist with no pain and 2)
put my favorite bracelets on said wrist.
PLease let me be healed. Please just let the carpal tunnel be it, please I can deal with that. 
ohdear. 
i have sores on my heels from wandering around binghamton in the black rain looking at art because that's what I do. 
and smiling at strangers and looking like my major. 



"I just ate some icecream, and it was amazing"
wayLater-"I got your fb message...i totally knew."

thank you for being my best friend. <3

 So I skipped classes.
I drove for 4.5 hours.
I did NOT get lost. 
I sat in an auditorium crammed with a few hundred people and listened to someone speak about secrets and what we keep inside of us and how we cannot be ourselves without letting that out. The world needs to hear your voice, he said. And I was so happy.
and then I drove across town to RIT and saw my best friend, my person. 
And it was an amazing time.
I was introduced to his girlfriend, which is ok, because I am past that. Because I don't, i wouldn't, want to chance our amazing friendship once again. and we caught up on everything, that we're still the same people in the sense that it doesn't really matter what we say to each other. Sharing our vulgarness and laughing and then we strolled outside "Did you think you would be doing this seven years ago when you met me?" No, no one could imagine blowing smoke into the night air, drinking coffee.
Deciding to stay a second night well... how good is that? More talk, more drinks, walking outside, "So could I do him?", and being told to just go for it. Where did my inhibitions go? Somewhere out an eight story window facing the sun. Waking up the next morning and creeping down the hall back to his room and getting the biggest laugh/hug ever. Aren't you happy you did that?
Oh yes. and then breakfast and recounting those details to you, something i could only tell you, and then back in my car for another 3 hour drive. and then coming back to my city and telling my friends and letting them be jealous for once of the amazing time I had. 

 clouding my mind with little blue pills
since i can't sleep again at night
a torn ligament/ tendon?
MRI next week

 I'm throwing myself into my school work. Haven't I done that forever? But really. If something happens with my wrist, I'm going to try to transfer. Yes, maybe Ivy League. But I don't know what to do. I'm worried and I need to just concentrate. I have a lot of work ahead of me. This is a lot of information to process at once and its bad info I have to say no to wind ensemble because I don't want to give up on music. I'm not going to let myself slide downhill just because i want to get out more. Going out on Thursday was a great time- a night of dancing and fun. But obviously I'm not going to do it every night. It's not me. 
It's funny, I'm already having some qualms over missing classes to go to Rochester. But I need to go. Really. It's going to be a good time. :)

 My intro to arts and healing teacher has pink highlights in her hair. She says that she is so disorganized as she explains how many different jobs she works at. We stare as she tells us to describe ourselves in noise, in movement. We draw our names and decorate them with feathers and tissue paper as vulnerable as we are. I have changed almost too much over the summer. I ave not made a post about everything that happened during camp and I don't think that I will. It was an experience. EVeryone asks what I did this summer, and I say Girls Scout Camp. They ask, wow, how was it? It was an experience. It was something that could never be repeated but I want to do again next year. I went be a completely different name for 3 months and managed to learn alot about myself. Learned a lot about a lot. I can handle a nuclear disaster right now as long as I have the trusty red whistle, can light a fire, cook some food, treat poison ivy and administer basic first aid. I became a professional underpaid babysitter and greatly increased my knowledge in child psychology, no class required. I learned a lot about what people will do to get power and stay in power, even in something that doesn't matter. Control isn't everything, though its damn nice, and I'm sorry you didn't get your way for the first months. 
It was an experience.
And i arrive back at Marywood with a wrist too weak to do the amount of work that I am expected to do. My courses are challenging to the point where I am actually doing work and my Tuesdays and Thursday are 4 straight take as many notes as possible classes. I went to anatomy with the ice pack on my wrist praying the Piatak wouldn't pick on me too much. I have an appointment with an orthopedist on the 15th, but i don't think that's soon enough. I think i'm going to drop wind ensemble, because I don't need anything making this any worse than it is. I am scared and frustrated and not even 6 ibuprofen makes a dent in the pain anymore. I go to Rochester in 14 days to see my best friend and I am so amazingly excited. Mostly for the event that I'm going to see, but seeing him as well. Well worth the 4 hour drive. 
This is going to be long and exciting and fun. Already I have been reminded that I am on the right path in my career.... I just have to hope that this issue gets better and allows me to continue on it. :)

 I said at the beginning of the summer that I would write more, I would do my best to write more and try to regain some of the old skill that I had. I can look back on things,poems I've written 5 or 6 years and wonder,,,where did I come up with that? How did I actually form those phrases and expressions that paint such a picture. NOw I am focused on painting of a different kind, but even then I am not has half as creative as I should. Sometimes I can't even put a sentence together but all I want to do is write. I do not supposed that the stress of being a professional underpaid babysitter and the fact that tendonistis is rendering my wrist useless is any help. And now it's raining and now I have to get out of my cocoon bed and face 120 kids this week. 

Dear Self, I know it's easier for you to write this way. Your hair has started to fall out again, but Squiggles and Beanie have told you that it's because we eat SYSCO processed food and Lucky check the spot and there are no gaps. I think you can relax a little about that situation. EVerything is frustrating you right now and the fact that this job is more work than it should be is hard. People not doing their job and not listening is hard. People who are late, offer no apologies, and don't pull their weight is even harder. You know that you are capable of handling thing and therefor, should stop worrying. Today was a good day, but it would be better if your friends from home would talk to you. Please my loves, I need the people who know me, Jaclyn, not the people who know crazy Whisper that lives in the barn and has a difficult time finding sleep. It's time you went and got some food, and then you have to go deal with the horses. There's five weeks of kids left, and for 4 of those weeks you'll be nice and close to home at Archbald. Hopefully everything will chill out then. You were set off way too easily by that one little factor. It will be ok. 
yours always,
Self