Dear Self, I know it's easier for you to write this way. Your hair has started to fall out again, but Squiggles and Beanie have told you that it's because we eat SYSCO processed food and Lucky check the spot and there are no gaps. I think you can relax a little about that situation. EVerything is frustrating you right now and the fact that this job is more work than it should be is hard. People not doing their job and not listening is hard. People who are late, offer no apologies, and don't pull their weight is even harder. You know that you are capable of handling thing and therefor, should stop worrying. Today was a good day, but it would be better if your friends from home would talk to you. Please my loves, I need the people who know me, Jaclyn, not the people who know crazy Whisper that lives in the barn and has a difficult time finding sleep. It's time you went and got some food, and then you have to go deal with the horses. There's five weeks of kids left, and for 4 of those weeks you'll be nice and close to home at Archbald. Hopefully everything will chill out then. You were set off way too easily by that one little factor. It will be ok. 
yours always,
Self

 Dear Self-
I don't know what to say to you. I know what you want to shout to everyone who won't answer you- what did I possibly do wrong? I know the answers you want from the Disaster and I know you could never live without your adopted sister. I know that the tattoo that is etched into you means so much more than people think it does, and I know you need to get off your lazy ass and study. You didn't do all that hard work in highschool to fail in college. 


I want you to know that you can get through whatever barriers are placed in front of you as long as you keep confidence in yourself. Try to be patient, be kind, be caring. Find a nice boy and have your way with him. Relax. Don't confuse your brain with your heart and don't lose sight of your passions. 

Self, grow some balls. Deal with things as they come to you. Be tenacious. Be loving. Start packing for college and stop worrying so much. Love your sister with all your heart and ride . Don't forget anything you've been taught and don't let others get to you. Laugh. Draw. Paint. take advantage of your college's 24 hour art building passes. Take a chance you normally wouldn't. 

Don't lose yourself and remember what the phoenix on your hip stands for. 

Love,
Self

 someone tell me when i lost my ability to write

 i have to make it clear. 

You are like a priceless statue that once removed from it's place can never be replaced. Nothing comes close to what the statue was. 
No one can come close to everything we went through together, everything we have said to each other, and the things we understand about each other that don't have to be explained. 
You are irreplaceable. and maybe i have put too much confidence in that. but this is not something that can be replaced and therefore always has a place in me. 
You are home. 
Sometimes I just feel slighted. I will always be here, always no matter what, in a million years i still stand here for you, to raise you up and help you. I just feel slighted from what I know I will do. 

I just feel so lost sometimes. 

 summer schedule so far, subject to change due to spontaneous road trips, and the fact that I don't know when my days off are.

May 10- Archbald
May 15&16- Trip to Ithaca to see Nick

June 7-13- Camp Lycogis for training
June 14- July 18- Camp Furnace Hills
July 19- August 23- Camp Archbald
August 30- Move in to school

somewhere there will be a trip to Connecticut to see the lovely Ashley<3

Final critique. Final, Final paper, final project, final critique, final, final revised paper.
final lunch with the best roommate in the world.
Final drive home from Scranton
final getting stuck in traffic
final late night in the art building
final 8am psychology.
final exhibition in the gallery
final late night pizza
final load of laundry
final eggs made to order
final final final done.

1 year down, on Friday.
and then i have a month off
and then i go live with the girl scouts

 let me kick back on old habits they die so hard.
i love you all more than anything thank you (S&L&S&M&M&A)
9 days until i could go home, 12 days until i do go home. 
I am going to be sad next year. this is not easy.
I have plans for summer, but there are secrets hidden in the good.
Kick back to old habits. 
Oh... my. 

and as a side note

we are all failing,falling, hurt hurt hurt. 

I am the bones they want, wired on a porcelain frame. 

 No friendship is one-sided, it just can't exist. And the situation is weighing on me more than the situation that is building. The one I need to talk about. 
Such irony. For you, I would be the first one there and the last one to leave. 
But I can't get five minutes.
And don't lie, and say that you don't have them. 
We are all tired and exhausted. I am tired and exhausted. I can't breathe. 
In psychology we're learning about stress and stressors.
And oh god what have I done to myself. 

 I don't know if you understand exactly how much I want to talk to you.
Both of you.
Honestly. 

 I had a flashback last night to the days(nights) when I stayed up until 2AM studying. Days when I didn't eat. When Sofia or Lena or whoever has to tell me to stop doing calculus and go eat something. I don't do that anymore. I used to study until 2, collapse, and wake up at 6. Now I'm dead by 12, even though the earliest I have to wake up is 6:45. What happened? I loved those nights. I slaved over every essay, chem lab, math problem, and english reading. And now I have a poetry project due tomorrow that I've barely touched. I may study a week in advance for psych, or finish my math homework in 2 seconds. But damn. I was Determined. I still am. In one month and 2 days I will be done with my final final, my first year of college. I was in the art building until 12:30 last night and I felt so happy. But my tendonitis is worse, and the tremor is back in my right hand. I don't understand why, when I'm actually eating something other than coffee. 
I miss my friends more than anything. 

 The morning sky crumbles in anticipation of new light
mixed hues purple,pink, yellow, red
seraphim's wings blockade the lightening horizon
as they glow in the glory of their maker.
feathers float softly to the ground

and in the darkened alley 
behind the local drug store
china dolls and g.i. joes
conceive wild plans
with alcoholic and acid dreams
dancing on that crumbling horizon.


for Jo. 


I have had no desire to do actual work. there's a lot of clutter in my mind. 

 I am not ok. 
How many times have i said that in the past few weeks?
Mental breakdowns are tallying up. 
But i'm really not ok and....
I need my anchors. I need to be held down. 

 There's a big difference between thinking you know something and then having it medically, full-proof confirmed. Being told that there's no other solution: this is what it is and nothing is going to change that. Sealed fate. 
and oh does it hurt and punch and i just need to cry now? I'm tired and have tests to study for. But my mind can't wrap itself around this. 
oh please oh please oh please. 
i can't breathe

 So I was in Barnes and Noble and I found Mr Koloski wandering through the lit section. So of course we had a wonderful conversation and such about everything and I'm supposed to be having coffee with him tomorrow but that might not happen because someone found my uncle dead this evening, ANYWAYS back to the point I received one of the best compliments that I have ever been given, and I will cherish for an extremely long time
was Mr. Koloski saying that through his ten years, out off all the students, the two that have impressed him the most are JoAnn and I. And then being told that I will make a change in the world? this is priceless. there is a reason I sat in his room writing my speech. Because I am blessed to have been taught by him and now have a good friendship. 
I need to deal with migraines, back pain, my mother, and whatever else comes up in the next few hours. I thought i wasn't going to be able to sleep but now I really need too and hopefully I can still go up to the school tomorrow. 

I thank thank thank Sofie and Samuel. Sofie for calling me while I was sobbing and Samuel for IMing and the discussion. I have amazing friends and oh. Thank you for answering. 


I don't think sleeping on the mattress on the floor is doing my body any good. I miss my school bed! and my roomie :)

 IAmNotACommodity.IAmNotACommodity. IAmNotACommodity. IAmNotACommodity. 

The migraines have been getting longer and more intense. I can't take any more tylenol. I really need excedrin. and water
I have to go finish the piece of broccoli that I'm making for ceramics. It is epically huge and annoying. Possibly on the verge of collapsing. 
Sometime I have to go practice. Dunno when since I can't get into the music building. Ughh. Probably have to go Monday night. 

Fell asleep on Tim last night and didn't want to move. Watched August Rush the night before over in his room. So good. :]

Paper, poetry, ceramics. All I have to do. 

and then I can go back to sleep.

 With the exception of what tomorrow is, what 40 minutes away is, I am happy. 

And I want to tell you about it. When are you going to answer your phone?

There's still a mess in my mind, but damn. I am happy. 






RIP my sisterlove, i miss you i miss you i miss you. you are my sunshine, my sunshine. You are my angel that stays with me.  I will always remember your day, because somebody has to. I love you I love you sister. 
I keep thinking about how long 10 years is, and how far I have come from that point. How much that I achieved, and you were there for none of it. But you were there. <Dawn Leona3

You realize that sometimes you're just not ok,
you level out, level out. level out,
It's not all right now
You need to understand
There's nothing strange about this,
You need to know your friends,
You need to know that

I'll be waving my hand, watching you drown,
watching you scream, quiet or loud.
And maybe you should sleep.
And maybe you just need a friend.
As clumsy as you've been there's no one laughing,
You will be safe in here. You will be safe in here.


I think that's all you need to know. I am here. I was drowning. I still feel like I am. 
let me rise let me fall let me breathe. 

 This weekend she's going home to help her mother
with roses, dozens of red roses, for other people
who are lovers. She'll spend hours cutting, stripping, and
arranging the flowers she hates so much But at the end of the day
there will a dozen left for her and she'll wrap them in ribbon,
with fern, and take a drive up the road to a secluded cemetery.
On a pink stone engraved with dolphins and black labs, she'll
place the dozen roses, turn over a little coin proclaiming the word
SISTERS, and say a prayer for strength. If there's one day that will
live on in her mind, it's the 17th of February and god help her,
she hates that day. She will kneel on the ground in front of the stone,
snow or no, and cry. Tens years is a very long time. 



Sister, I do this every year. Someone has to do this every year for you.  Every year i reach this point of depression and remembrance. Because every year is one without you, and if I could tell you all these things... Sometimes it's hard to remember to breathe. Because today would be the day that I last saw you 10 years ago because I wasn't allowed to see you for a week before your surgery because I was sick and you couldn't be. And I gave you the dozen red roses. and then On february 18th I missed school because i couldn't stop crying long enough to breathe, and then the next day I placed a dozen red roses on our bus seat because it was ours. And my mom took a dozen red roses to your funeral because I couldn't bear to go. But I have learned to breathe, breathe.

Rest in Peace my dear, Dawn Leona March 8, 1984- February 17, 1999.

 I've realized that if there's one thing I really fear, it's developing alopecia areata. Since my mom has it, I am at high risk because there's a chance that it is hereditary. And what is it mostly triggered by? Stress. 
I not only get stressed out easily, but am driven by it. I need stress to push me through my day. 
It's a miracle that my hair just didn't start falling out senior year...

But I'm really scared of it. Even though in 90% of cases the hair will grow back, there's the 10% that don't. Guess what statistic my mom is part of? The 10%. The hair on her scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes, underarms, and legs will never grow back. 
There is no cure for alopecia. It is considered an auto-immune since the body literally attacks the hair. 








(Where are you, where are you? I'm kicking and screaming. You're not listening. Where are you? Where are you?)